Loneliness – reflections of a widower.

Loneliness - What is it and what causes it? Is it caused and why? How can one be lonely when there are millions of people around us? Is loneliness self-inflicted or is it something that falls upon us as a result of some happening mainly a devastating event that occurs outside our control. Does it affect men and women equally or do men who have become widowers suffer more than a woman who becomes a widow.

From my own personal experience and as a one-time volunteer worker for a military charity I would contend that it is the male who becomes a widower suffers what I would call the “Widowers Silence”. The older the male the more in general terms is the suffering.

I have been in the middle of London and felt lonely because there is no-one I can turn to talk to, there is no-one to whom I can turn to for companionship. Yet I do not feel lonely in the middle of a desert because there is someone to whom one can turn to for that companionship and conversation.

One thing that is noticeable to-day is the number of the older generation who hold hands with their spouse far more than some years ago. They obviously value the companionship inherent in hand holding.

The difference lies in there being someone who provides that measure of companionship to whom one relies upon as a fellow human being, one who possibly understand what that means. That person does not have to be intelligent, does not have to be charismatic but does have to have a measure of humanity and understanding possibly a sympathetic nature but most important of all be a human being capable of empathy and of being a good listener.

Loneliness does not simply affect one type of person, not male or female it affects all kinds of people. What brings it on is usually the product of one’s lifestyle. However I have noticed after several stays in a hospital that it does tend to have a dramatic effect on the elderly male usually widowed and it is what I call The Widowhood of Silence.

During a lifetime of marriage or partnership it is usually the female who arranges the social life of the couple and what happens after the death of the female of the relationship is that the male partner finds it difficult to socialise. A widow would normally find it possible to invite her female friends around for coffee whereas a widower would find it difficult to ring up those female friends and invite them for coffee. He would normally meet his friends at the local.

Loneliness brings some consolations – there is never a dispute with the remote control, football matches are never interrupted but it also has many more heartaches one of which is to take a holiday on one’s own. There is no one to talk to on the long drive to wherever no one to admire the views of the mountains or lakes. It is virtually impossible to go a cruise on one’s own. There are however a number of organisations that exist that attempt to help the lonely and the aged who in the main are the lonely particularly with the breakup in the western world of the family and the widespread breakdown of family units as children emigrate from the original family base.

One of these organisations in my town is “Nannies for Grannies” led by Kay Naden. She and her ladies provide the companionship and friendship needed by so many of us who are widowers and lack those needs. See www.nannies4grannies.co.uk

There is also an organisation The Silverline that operates as a talking companionship for the home bound.

Robert Baird RIP